How Mindset Can Get You Results Without The Hustle With Jessica Eley
In this episode
Diane: this week, we're talking about something. I see a lot of in the lifestyle entrepreneur space, and that is guilt around only doing like enough quote unquote and not striving for like all of those zeros. Like the hustle culture is telling you to do. So I have asked my personal mindset coach to come and chat about why that feeling might be creeping into your mind and what to do. And it happens. Jessica Eley is a no-fluff BS, free coach for high achievers, who will make you think differently about your life and your business. Hey, Jess, welcome to the show. Jessica: Hi, thanks for having me. Diane: So let's start with a little bit about you and your lifestyle business. Jessica: Oh, goodness. The short answer is I refuse to do anything that feels like crap. that is my gauge. and so that means that my business has been built. Yeah, extremely organically. What I offer is determined very organically. I'm known for not offering the same thing, more than once or twice, which, has a certain nice built-in element of scarcity to it because people just know they can't count on me to offer this again. When I say I'm may not, they know that's actually true. it means that my business has been built largely. By word of mouth and me just kind of paying attention to what I want to talk about and who I want to talk to in the moment. And seeing where that takes me. which makes me sound good, very unstrategic, and kind of flighty. And yet there are times where I absolutely love that. Like you drop me into Active Campaign or, set me loose on funnel strategy or something. And I will have a heyday with all the markers and the arrows. And so it has nothing to do with how strategic I enjoy being, but the business serves me first. So that I can serve my clients. Well. Diane: I think as a client, it's important for me to see that in action when you are trying to help me achieve that kind of balance for myself. Jessica: Yeah. Yeah, because if I'm not pulling it off, then I probably won't help you pull it off. Diane: so how do you feel like that business has evolved as your lifestyle has changed? Jessica: the more clarity I get around who my people are and what my business is doing and what it is I enjoy and what it is that's profitable and what works for other people. . , the more I bring. Planning and strategy into things in a way still feels good. but I always have the back door open. I mean, I have three little kids by the time this comes out, I imagine the fourth one will be here or close to it has to work around my life. and yeah, I have no interest in building the business in a way that is chasing results or metrics just for the station. Proving something like I'm not in this business because I'm trying to. I don't know, get a gold star or prove something to somebody else. I give two rips what somebody else thinks about my business. it works for me. It works for my clients. It works for the customers that I serve via my products. And as long as those boxes are ticked, everything else is just gravy. Diane: I love that. it transitions nicely into what I'd love for you to help us with we spent many hours on calls, boxes, untangling, my high achiever, corporate instilled attitudes. but I'm gonna let you explain. The conflict that we find ourselves in when we are building more of a lifestyle business Jessica: I went through kind of some of the same transition that you did. I went through it like right after college though. and so, I'm Diane: miles ahead. Jessica: thank you. That was a polite way of calling me old, Diane: I mean, you did it sooner. I waited until I'd spent years miserable and Ben came before I caught him done. Jessica: No, I mean, it is true. Like in a way, I feel lucky that I burned out that hard, that early because I was in my twenties. you just get away with more crap in your twenties than you do later on in life. And your body bounces back and you have disposable income and stuff like that. So in a way, I like I did get lucky. that it happened so early, but what I'll say is, you and I did it in incorporate, some people, this happens like they, they build one business, especially if they've been entrepreneurs for a while. And they did the thing of getting results for the sake of getting results. And I think that's also like what you and I did. It is very much tied to being a good student, whether you actually were or not. But this idea of Oh, I'm really good at, Oh, we have a rubric I'm really good at checking kicking boxes. I'm really good at achieving for the sake of. Who knows what, right? Like I'm just good at making other people happy. I'm good at proving things about myself. I'm good at more for the sake of more, and you do that for a while. And for a while, it feels cool because you're the kind of person who gets shit done. And so you're the kind of person who's getting stuff done and it feels really great. it's this sense of control right. Over your life and what it is you're able to create, but it goes deeper than that. And this is the part that I think we're not always aware of when we're in that place is that you're using. Your results, you're using your accomplishments, you're using what other people think about you on the backend of those results and accomplishments to determine how you feel about yourself. So, Hey, I feel great when I get a lot done, I feel great when I'm really productive. I feel great when I reached that next level, whether that's income or corporate ladder rung or bigger house or. Instagram followers. Whatever the box is. It's you have a very brief moment of, Oh, I did that. See, and then you realize oh, there are just 30 million more things I could go get. And so you just keep adding checkboxes to the bottom of your list. And then eventually, like that just gets, because there's. No sense of fulfillment in the work itself. It's always coming from a place of, I did this and now I get to feel good. It's not, I get to feel good in the work itself. And in and of itself, is this enough? It's always like for the next thing. And. It's it, hedonic, treadmill, whatever phrase you want to use to describe this. And when you're in that place and eventually you either lose it. Emotionally, people end up with chronic illness or their relationships fall apart, or, I mean, there are a million things that happen to people, right? There's just vanilla midlife crisis, or you have this existential, I don't know what to do with myself, but it's clearly not this anymore. That comes when we reached this point of saying, you know what, I'm no longer willing to haul ass towards the next thing, just for the sake of doing that, because that's not making me like my life. It turns out that getting there to whatever the next check box is not actually. Changing how I feel about my life. There's no, there that I get to where it feels better or where all of a sudden now everything is okay. Because then I just find the next there to go to, and then you enter this Be-er land, where we start to care about doing things for the sake of our own fulfillment, our own feelings, like taking care of ourselves. but there's this tension for people who were highly driven for so long like we were where you still care about results. Like you still want big things. It still sounds fun to make seven or 18 figures. I don't care. However many it is. It still sounds fun to sit down and strategize the next big thing. And yet also have this. Understanding that I'm no longer willing to work for the sake of just working. And so this tension between, I still have some of my worth hung up in my results. I still really want those results because it sounds cool, but I can't get myself to do things just for the sake of doing them creates like this really uncomfortable place of I don't know how to get what I want. Why do I feel like a lazy bum? Why can't I not do the things that I used to be able to do? Why am I suddenly procrastinating on things that I used to be able to do? Where has all my willpower gone? All of these things that we used to rely on to get stuff done, No longer is our emo. And we have to learn an intimate higher Lee new way of creating results for ourselves. That quite frankly, Is not discussed in many places and is certainly not like marketable because the answer is just to do whatever the heck feels good for you. There is no blueprint for this. And so it's just super, not sexy on a sales page. So nobody sells this and nobody's talking about it. And yet it's going to be the only way that you actually get results for yourself going forward. Diane: this comes up for me when I see the lifestyle entrepreneur space because you have the people who are genuinely like. I don't want to care about the 7 million or whatever that I'm supposed to make. I don't want to care about how many Instagram followers I have, but I'm watching these other people who have these successful lifestyle businesses who on telling you that they worked. 15 hour days or that they rented the jet. And then you have this other component coming at you with, you just have to hustle. You have to be like in it to win it. And so it's that contradiction that's already within them of I should be doing more. I could be doing more. I know how to do more is jarring with, but I don't want to. And am I successful? if I just do what I want to Jessica: and the thing is, there are also people who are naturally Be-ers, right? Who have always been this way who have always just kind of derived their sense of good enoughness from how it is they feel and how it is they show up, which is fantastic for them. Except they're using words that do not at all. Jive with how somebody who's left-brain dominant thinks. So they're talking to me about Oh, you have to just take aligned action and you have to, find the thing that sets your soul on fire. And some of us are just like, just. Stop. I see that works for you and that's cute, but I don't like literally I don't even understand what that means and Diane: I'm like, where's the six-step process to that? Like how do I find my bliss? And then how do I harness it? And then how do I ramp it up to live on a, in in a mention, like you are living right now. Like that for me, I think is the hardest thing, because I resonate with the message, but I cannot get to grips with the, like what they've done. Jessica: Yes. Yes. And that's the, like the dichotomy, is there's like hustle for the sake of hustle. Then there's people who have always been, Taking care of themselves oriented. And you're firmly in neither camp anymore. And then you have what you said, like the pho lifestyle people, who have a six-figure launch that they broke even on. And you're just like, Oh, like that literally good for you. I'm not interested in that either. You just look like you're living your best life and things are actually imploding around you. Diane: So how do people know? Because now there is bad, right? Like it's just a different approach. So I sort of want to make that clear as well, but so how do people know which camp they're in and then when they're in, when they figure that out, how do they then build a lifestyle business that is them centric with either methodology? Jessica: Okay. So originally when I concocted this whole idea when I realized where all of my clients and everyone that I was looking at was falling, I recognized it as people who needed to go create results first for themselves. Or people who needed to shift their identity first. So Be-ers were originally what I just thought of and conceptualized as identity, first people where they have to shift their identity first before they will allow themselves to take action. That creates growth, right? So the entire premise behind Do-er and Be-er is how do you grow? And I don't just mean, like, how do you grow your bottom line? It's like, how do you grow as a person? And so some of us are wired to now shift into an identity where we see ourselves as the kind of person who. Whatever. And once that identity is firmly in place, then we can go do whatever that heck it is. We want to, all the work is on the front end for a Be-er. You've got to do all the mental work. You may have to take actions that other people tell you. Are insane or inefficient or unnecessary or evidence of you having money blocks, right? no, never worked for free because you need to value yourself. Yeah. Okay. But if you working for free is going to help you step into the identity of I'm the kind of person who can get baller results for people doing this thing, then it is worth it. . For Do-ers, it's the opposite. They have to go create a result. They gotta just go do crap as fast as possible and create some kind of evidence for themselves that I did this. This was possible. Oh, look, here it is right. I have concrete proof and tangible evidence. My change, my growth, and then their job on the backend is to adjust their self-perception based on what it is they just accomplished now because all the work is on the backend. And a lot of times they want to run to the next thing already. They want to grow to the next place. What Do-ers have to be careful of is that they don't. not take the time to interview great who it is. They just showed themselves that they've become based on their results. So if you crush a launch, if you hit a new income goal, if you figure out some amazing strategy and then it works. What does that show you about who it is you had to become in order to create that result? Do-ers will tell me things, I feel like the other shoe is going to drop, or I feel like all of my results have been a fluke or somebody's going to call me out or it's all going to be taken away from me. And that happens to them because they don't on the backend of their creating results. Take the time to slow down and say Holy crap. That was amazing. I was able to do that because I'm now the kind of person who does what, who runs a team successfully, who has learned these strategies, who run it, the business in this kind of way, whatever. and so they end up more so on the treadmill. Because they just run to the next set of results that they can create for themselves thinking that's how their self-perception is going to change. And it won't Be-ers are prone to waiting. I'm just going to wait until I feel ready. no. Your job to do stuff. To get you ready. Your job is to take the actions that get you to a place where your head believes you are now the kind of person who can create the results that you want. There's no waiting around for your head to magically change. And so that's the difference between the two is like where you spend the time on your head, and actually being willing to take the necessary actions to recognize. How you have grown and changed and then use that for growth. Diane: So if Be-ers are doing the work on the front end, that can often look like. As a very BIA motivated person that can look and feel a lot like paralysis. Like I cannot do this thing because you're looking at this huge thing. That you don't believe you can do. Whereas the Do-er is okay, I'm just going to run full tilt at that thing. And hopefully, I'm going to come out the other side. So that sounds like Be-ers are sitting around doing quite a bit of Naval gazing and Do-ers are getting results a lot more quickly and growing big businesses and taking all the action. And so. As a Be-er, like you, naturally looking at that being like, well, how do I get me some of that? Jessica: Yes. The other thing is that Be-ers perceive because their frame of references, I know how much I would have to have my shit together in order to create that result, they perceive that Do-ers have their stuff together that much. And they don't like half the time, they're a hot mess on the back end of that stuff. But they see such a gap between what it is they're currently capable of creating and what it is other people have done just in terms of how it is they show up and what it is they must believe about themselves. And that's not really true. Do-ers are just really good at. Using willpower or shooting themselves or even, like more strategic, healthy things like delegation or hiring out or implementing a strategy that, some of us would have resistance to whatever. But that idea of, Oh my gosh, must have their stuff. So together in order to create that kind of result also ends up attracting Be-ers to Do-ers because they're like, Oh, you must have figured it out. And it's no, actually, they're just really good at doing crap really quickly. but that doesn't mean that they actually, feel ready for it. Diane: It's funny to me that as a Be-er, one of the most frequent comments I get from people is, Whoa, you're fast when you implement, obviously they don't see me doing the work. So if somebody's listening to this and they're going, okay, I understand this. Like I want that Be-er. I want to be able to get myself to a place that I believe the thing, so I can be off and running and things can take off, but I'm very used to judging myself on what everybody around me is telling me that I'm good telling me that I'm bad, whatever the external validation is, how do they start to build that internal validation? Jessica: I think willingness is probably the number one thing that Be-ers have to like really. Get comfortable with because you, for so long, we're really good at just following directions probably. And okay, I have to do it like this, and I can do that and look at it worked fantastic. and then all of a sudden that stops working, right? Because you're no longer willing to do things for the sake of just doing them. And so all of your decision making has to come from a place of, well, what am I willing to do today? How am I willing to sell this thing? How am I willing to fill this program? How am I willing to show up? How am I willing to grow my Instagram? what are you willing to do? Any method, any strategy, anything you are willing to do can be optimized to get you whatever result it is you want. That is true period. Okay. and so you stand to lose nothing by just following what it is you're willing to do, how it is you're willing to show up. And then when. You've done that for one cycle. You've done that for one launch. You've done that for one round of something you look back and you say, okay, how did that work? And what am I willing to now improve? And what do I see that can be modified. And who do I need to go learn from, in order to do that? But it's not. Driven from a place of lack where it's like, Oh, my results are shoddy. And so I better go look to an outside expert who can save me from myself. It's got to come from you first. And then you pull in whatever else it is. You need to support a decision that you've already made. Diane: And I think that could even be. More micro. it can literally be like, what am I willing to do to get my butt into my chair in front of my laptop today? I feel like Be-ers need momentum. They need Oh, I did that thing and it worked okay. And I did that thing. Okay. I'm on the right track. I'm almost that person. I'm almost that person. I look on that person run. Jessica: you told me right away like Pomodoros worked good. Well, for me, I was like, cool. Do one a day. And some people would be like, seriously, you're going to work for 25 minutes. And I'm like, yeah, if you actually worked for 25 minutes, a lot of stuff done, and that makes you feel better than you did for the last five days when you were like pseudo working and trying things and trying to force stuff, and then realizing you weren't actually doing anything. Yeah. Actually, I would rather, you just do the one thing. just build your momentum on the back. End of Oh, that worked for me. Oh, that did not work for me. you start figuring out what it is that works for you. That gets you to show up the way you want to so that you trusting yourself to take action. Yeah. Towards what it is you want to get for yourself. Diane: it's so important in the lifestyle business space where people are. Saying, I want a business where I only work four days a week. I want a business where I only work with people who I really like. I want a business where my kids can be in the office with me and they're saying all of these things, but then mentally having that tear of but I need to be successful. I need to do this. And they're not actually stopping and being like, what would I need to feel like. I could achieve, or I could create in that business that would allow me to have this thing. I keep saying, I want, instead of chasing what somebody else is telling me, I should want. Jessica: Yes. Most lifestyle entrepreneurs, most people who are in. Kind of the headspace that we are in would say that they are an entrepreneur for the sake of freedom or independence or something like that. And yet they feel so beholden to well, this is how I have to work. And it's dude, you're already free. freedom is not some box you're going to check off when you have created results for yourself. You're already there. go take action that lets you hold on to that core feeling that you really want for yourself. And also creates results for you, right? But the filter has to be, what is the core feeling that I have one and a half? What is, how is it that I want to experience this business? How is it that I want to go through the process of growing a business and every decision you make gets run through that filter, and then you optimize based on? What it is you chose to do? Diane: kind of your success marker at the end of the day. did this feel like I wanted it to feel today? And if it didn't, it's not some big catastrophic failure where you need to go back to the drawing board. It's just the case of what do I need to do next to turn toward that feeling? So you and I talk about this a lot, so I know for us, it is second nature and I feel like once you see it, you can't unsee it. And. People hearing you speak about this, we'll go into spaces and be like, Ooh, that is a very big Do-er coming at me, but how do they get them started so that when they are next in that do a full-frontal assault, they can pull themselves into the BNS. Jessica: most Do-ers don't know that Be-ers exist and that it is a valid way to build a business. That's the first thing. Okay. And so Do-ers, I love them to pieces. but they're gonna tell you things, it's no, you can't do that. No, you have to do it like this. No, this is the best way. This is the most efficient way. This is the way that will absolutely get you there. And it's Yeah, no, actually that may not be true. You may just need to do what you can do. And so being willing to question the assumptions, the authority, the expertise, all of that, of people who have what it is you want is about the only way to stay sane. So being willing. To consider the idea that somebody who has the results that you want may not be able to tell you how to get where it is they got, and that their way of doing it is probably not going to be your way is probably the first step and recognize that every Do-er got the results that they got because they followed their own path of least resistance. and then on the backend of it, they optimized it. They recognize that steps three and four needed to be flip-flopped and that would have shaved six weeks off of their lunchtime. and so now they sell it to you pre-packaged like that. but the genius of what they did was that they were just doing what it is. They had no resistance to, it's not that it was inherently smarter or dumber than what it is you’re going to do by following your path of least resistance. Just realize that they have no magical answers for you. They just don't. Diane: one of the best things you can do if you find yourself in that environment and you have accidentally bought something and find yourself surrounded by the Do-ers is to not fight with them about the fact that they are doing it. Don't get into an argument about that. It was just as successful for you this week, that you didn't have an argument. With that one client who irritates you when everybody else is I made $14 million And so how is the best way for people. To educate themselves on this topic, given that virtually no one speaks about, this is there's go to YouTube and Google, how not to get things done. but I know you, I'm sure you have like resources that people can find. Jessica: I do. so, on my website, I have a link to quite frankly, a very casual talk that I did with a bunch of other people on the heels of another podcast that I went on. And I was just like, Hey, let's talk about this more. And we did. And it ended up being like this really robust conversation that a lot of people are getting a lot out of. This Be-er Do-er workshop, as it has been affectionately named, is really where I break down. what are the strengths and weaknesses of each, what are the perks of being one or the other? And what do you got to watch out for? and then this transition from one to the other, like how on earth do we manage that? people who are solidly in the Do-er camp are like, yeah, I'm good. I'm getting my result. I'm going to stay here. It's not until they burn out that they come to me anyways. So they're not even listening to this anymore. and like the Be-er people are like, yes, obviously, why would I ever do anything that I hate? So they don't really get it either. It's this camp of people who have switched from one to the other that are very. Underserved and that's really who that workshop was for. So if you perceive that, perhaps you are one of these people, you can go check that out. And, I kind of give a more thorough breakdown and you can also hear like other people talking about it is interesting, like to how other people perceive themselves in this change and what their struggles are with. yeah, but I still really want. Results. And you're telling me I have to slow down and I don't want to slow down. And all of that is it's really good to see that you're not crazy. Diane: that's the thing is it can feel really lonely in. Your business to be sitting there being like, why, like, how are these people posting on 17 social media as a day, writing blogs, doing YouTube channels, doing all of these things, and getting all these results. And I'm at my desk being like, okay, turn on the laptop. You can do it. Come on. that is the extreme, but I think it's important for people to see that they are not alone in that. Because it really does feel like you are the only person in the entrepreneurial space who does not have their shit together. anytime you can hear Jess talk about this stuff, you will have an aha. I've had several just listening to this again, after months of coaching. So, it's a journey, so, I want to finish up with a couple of questions that I ask all my guests. And I'm very interested to see your answers in these. So what is your number one lifestyle boundary for your business? Jessica: I think actually it's what I said at the very beginning. I'm not going to do anything that feels like crap. And the thing is that's variable. And that is like I said, it's in the moment last week I was working hard on something. I was having fun. It felt good. I stayed up until two 30 in the morning, like learning stuff. I never thought I was going to learn. but that felt good. And yet had I tried to do that a year ago, it would have felt really bad. And so being okay with this idea of know what it is I'm willing to do right now is what is actually best for my business and is good enough. What I am willing to do is good enough to get me to the next step in my business. I don't have to do stuff that I don't like to do. It is kind of my boundary. Like I just, I'm not here for doing things that at the end of the day, make me wonder why I spent my time on that. Diane: I would definitely say that has become such a gauge for me. Like one of my friends was you said to me, Diane if it's not a heck yeah, it's a heck no. And I'd be like, well, that's a little extreme. My Do-er really wants to just try and it doesn't matter if it's not a heck yeah, if there's a heck result. but now like people will be like, Oh, do you want to do this? I'm like, no. No, that sounds awful. I don't want anything to do with that. Thank you. And then finally, what is the worst piece of cookie-cutter advice you've ever got as a lifestyle entrepreneur? Jessica: I think it is anything where it is a blanket statement of it has to be done like this. Now I have a hard rebel tendency, right? So anybody tells me I have to do anything and I'm pretty much going to buck against it just for the sake of bucking against it. But. It's never worked out for me. When somebody purports that their way of doing something is how I will get where it is. I want to go. Like it always backfires. It always ends up not working just because I'm not even showing up for it. Well, so this idea of. Really cookie-cutter, anything is just highly problematic. Eight. It ignores nuance. It ignores things like privilege. It ignores things like resources and sleep deprivation. And the business coach who is 25 and has no kids is not going to tell the mom of four with a newborn, what it is she should be capable of doing every day. Like just hard. No. Okay. and so like good for you, but that's not where I am. And I think. Recognizing that there is no one right way. Makes me just like a hard stop against anything that says, no, this is your only option. Diane: Yeah. And I think, I don't think people who are selling you that as their only option by and large. I mean, there are some creeps, but by and large, I think they mean well, Jessica: Oh yeah, sure. Diane: but unless you're actually that exact same person wanting that exact same result with that exact same lifestyle. read the fine print. Like results may vary, it's in every single one of them. I promise you go read any of those contracts. There will be a “results may vary” clause. And that is because when you come in as that Be-er, you are the result that varies. You're the ones sitting there just being like, what did I sign up for? I have landed on an alien planet. Okay. Let me try to fit in. Jessica: and there are people who will be able to show to themselves into following another person's blueprint and it will work for them right until it doesn't right. Every person who does that eventually doesn't do that. Eventually, they hire me. And work with me for, six months or a year because they spent the last six months waking up every day, going, why am I doing this? This doesn't feel good, but I have a team to maintain. This doesn't feel good anymore, but my audience is counting on me. This doesn't feel good, but it like they've gotten themselves in this place where. They have to keep up the thing that they built on the back end of a blueprint. And yeah, it worked for you, but it's not working for you. You and those are the people who we see, after suddenly coming out of nowhere and being this overnight success, two years later have to go underground there. Social media has like the last post that says something like, Hey guys, just taking a little mental health break and then they disappear for a year, and then they come back as Whatever, something completely transformed because they've been in therapy that whole time. I have seen this over and over. So yes it will work for some people to follow that blueprint in terms of getting them results, but it will never work for somebody forever. It just won't. Diane: Well, thank you so much for the intense coaching today. I love it. As I said, aha has already, what is the best place for people to connect with you? Cause I know people are gonna have questions and want to continue the conversation. Jessica: Yeah, so you can find me on Instagram and on Facebook at I am Jesse Lee. I am available to chit chat, all the things Diane: And she does the best hand-drawn mindset diagrams of all time on her Instagram. Thank you so much. Jessica: Thanks for having me.
If every entrepreneur is different, shouldn’t every approach to business be just as unique?
Jessica Eley walks you through how to identify which type of entrepreneur you are (a Be-er or Do-er) and how it impacts how you can get results with the least resistance in your business.
Following someone else’s blueprint will work for you for a while until it doesn’t. And when that happens you need to learn to trust that you know best.
We talk about
- How burnout is often a turning point
- How a Be-er and a Do-er think differently
- How to work with your mindset no matter which one you are
Jessica is a mindset coach who helps entrepreneurs clearly define what it is they want, believe in the inevitability of those goals, and allow themselves to receive all that good stuff. She’s helped entrepreneurs earn 4-5x their previous revenue, break through multi-six-figure income plateaus, become confident (but sleaze-free) salespeople, achieve work-life balance, redefine their entire business model to one they actually enjoy, and much more.
She’s also a mom of 4, die-hard foodie, big-time football fan, and compulsive scouter of my next big travel adventure.
The information contained above is provided for information purposes only. The contents of this podcast episode and article are not intended to amount to advice and you should not rely on any of the contents of this article or episode. Professional advice should be obtained before taking or refraining from taking any action as a result of the contents of this article. Diane Mayor disclaims all liability and responsibility arising from any reliance placed on any of the contents of this article.